Hang On & Trust God

I have been feeling very inadequate lately. I feel like I am struggling in every aspect of my life right now, and I keep beating myself about it, and it's not getting better. I've had a hard time trying to figure out where I belong. I've had a hard time balancing my life especially when I feel like I'm living two different lives at the same time.  Imagine maybe going to serve a mission and that place where you serve. You learn to love it.  You love the area, you love the people, you love who you are there, and what you are learning and who you are becoming. But imagine being on a mission during the day and then coming home every night.  It's hard to explain. They're both good things, but it's hard.  I feel very emotionally unstable sometimes.  I keeping receiving "no" answers and it's very frustrating. I know I'm not supposed to do that, and not that, and not that, but I don't know what I am supposed to do.

Today, I don't think I've ever felt so happy and so sad at the same time. We started singing Christmas songs in choir today.  The Christmas concert will be my last concert, and I cry every time I think about that. I cannot explain it. Basically there are so many things in my life right now that I can't explain.

"The average person talks between 100 and 200 words per minute, and yet we think between 200 and 400 words per minute, which means no one ever knows everything that we think or feel or all that we want to say.  The author Henry avid Thoreau was right when he wrote, "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." So again the question remains: What are you going to do about it? You can't quit-it is a league rule! Yet no one knows your pain and sorrow. So where do you go? To whom do you turn?" -Dan Clark

You  can imagine what he said next.  It's times when you feel absolutely stuck that you need Him. He will give you peace.  He will give you grace.  Stop fearing.  Fear is one of the greatest tools of Satan. "Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace my fears relieved.  How precious did that grace appear, the hour I first believed."  You just have to believe.  Believe with every part of your body and soul.  

I know that if you just ask for His help, He will help you.  I think the trick is having that faith and trust that He will answer you.  You have to pray knowing that He will answer, and then you have to listen.  He will help you in the hardest decisions and choices you have to make, but he will also help you in the little things every day.

Last week I was having a rough day at school and I was just praying that someone would just tell me that they loved me or give me a hug.  Then I got to choir, and the girl I sit next to comes in and just yells my name and comes and gives me this big hug and tells me she loves me.

Two weeks ago it was on a Thursday and I was stuck at school setting up a show for my letterpress class, and Institute was coming up soon.  Thursdays are probably my favorite days because it's devotional day in choir, and then I get to go to institute after school.  Well, institute starts at 7 and it takes me around 30 minutes to get home from school.  It was 6:00 and I was getting a little antsy.  Then it was 6:30 and I snuck away and ran to my scooter to ride home.  Now I know it's not that big of a deal to be a little bit late, but I hate being late.  I hate being late because I hate missing the opening song.  I don't think anyone should miss the opening song.  Sometimes, the song is my favorite part.  So I am riding my scooter as fast as I can without going too fast just praying that I might be able to make it for the opening song.  I stopped at my house to drop off my backpack and grab my scriptures.  It was 7:00, and I thought that I was going to miss it. I thought by the time I get there it'd be too late. But I still ran to institute and ran in the door. Right when I walked in the teacher said, "Okay, should we sing the opening song now?" Oh it made me so happy.  If God answers stupid little prayers about making it to sing the opening song, I'm pretty sure he will answer our big concerns and problems. Sometimes those just take more time.

Whatever problems you have, talk to God about them because only He can fully understand. Trust your own feelings.  You know best what you feel about what you should do.  It's nice to talk to people and get advice, but when it comes down to it, only you know what feels right to you. Trust God.  I know it's hard.  It's scary sometimes to fully put your whole life into the hands of an unknown God.  But you do know Him.  He's been there your whole life, and if you don't know Him, get to know Him because He knows you.  He is trying to help you. Sometimes all you can do is trust Him.  But that is enough. You can do hard things. Just take one day at a time and hang on.  He's proud of you and of how far you've come.  Don't give up. Things will get better.

Also, you should really listen to this devotional talk by Dan Clark who I quoted earlier.  I attended it a few weeks ago and it changed my life. I've read it like three times since. You have to listen to it.  Sometime this week.  Do it. Don't read it. You have to listen to him talking. It is amazing.  It will make you want to become better.

Thats all.

http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=2206&view=2

Be Not of the World

I am so grateful that I am a daughter of God.  That knowledge alone has given me reason for so many things in my life.  It has brought me hope in times of discouragement.  It has brought me peace.  It has brought me comfort.

I've been thinking lately about my worth.  All growing up in Young Womens we recited, "We are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us..."  I think every girl at some time in her life goes through some self worth doubts.  I remember when I had that realization that I really am worth way more than what the world sees me as.  I used to take everything so seriously about what people said about me.  It still is hard, and sometimes I still take things way too seriously and personally.  But I remember one specific time.  I was in the fifth grade.  We were all lining up in front of our door getting ready to go to recess.  There was this one boy that was in front of me in line.  I remember standing in line and saying "Oh, I'm hot." referring to my temperature.  But this boy in my class turned around and gave me this look of disgust and said, "Uhhh..not really."  To this day, I still remember that feeling I had.  I remember the look he gave me.  That really offended me, and after that I really didn't think that anyone liked me or could like me because I wasn't "hot" or even "cute".  I didn't think I was cute, and I didn't think that boys could even like me.

Now, first of all, I think it's important for us to realize that what we say to others and about others can really effect them.  I think that we should never say anything bad about anyone because people never forget what you say to them and how you treat them.  So I am going to try and remember that myself and I will try to be better at saying nice things to people. You never regret when you say something nice.  Never.

Secondly, this was just a little fifth grader.  Why should I base what I thought about myself and base what everyone else thought about me just because of what a little fifth grade boy told me?  I know that my Heavenly Father loves me, and I know that I am worth way more to Him than I think I could every be capable of.

Again, I am grateful for the knowledge that I have that I am a daughter of Heavenly Father.  That has brought me peace.  Another thing that I learned a lot about in Young Women's is about how my body is a temple and a gift from my Heavenly Father.  One of my greatest pet peeves is immodesty.   It's not immodesty itself that is my pet peeve, but more when girls dress immodestly and expect boys to respect them.  How could you expect anyone else to respect you when you don't even respect yourself?  I don't dress modestly just so that boys will respect me, I dress modestly because I respect myself and I know my worth.  I think that is where it all starts.  When you truly know your worth, you know how Heavenly Father sees you, you know that your body is a gift, then why would you even want to disrespect that and dress immodestly?  I dress modestly because I want to.  I know that I will make covenants in the temple with my Heavenly Father and I want to dress in such a way that will respect those covenants.  I remember singing this song in Young Womens that says, "I don't need the attention of immodesty.  I am confident in my divinity.  No matter what the world may do, I'm a daughter of God, and I'm holding on to virtue."

And that's where it all comes back to.  I am a daughter of God, and I am so grateful for that.  I know that I am worth so much to Him, and the least I can do is respect my body that He gave me.  I am worth more than what the world says I am.  I am worth more than what I think I am and what others think of me.  I strive to stand as a witness of Him in all the ways that I can.  Sometimes it's hard to stand up for truth.  Sometimes it's hard to not want to just be "of the world", but we can't hide under a bushel.  Jeffrey R. Holland says, "Never check your religion at the door!"  I think that that is something that really shows our devotion to God.  We need to be a witness at all times, in all things, and in all places no matter what other people think, no matter what the world says.  You are worth more than what others think of you.  You are a beloved child of God, and He loves you.  No other knowledge is worth more than that truth.

Sunday Thoughts

Whatever you are going through right now, you can handle it.  We all have burdens to bear and loads to carry.  Look at Alma.  He lead a mission to the Zoramites.  The Zoramites denied Christ.  Alma's heart grieved when he saw that their hearts were set upon riches.  He was lost.  He was didn't know what to do, and so what did he do? He prayed.  

"...O Lord, wilt thou give me strength, that I may bear with mine infirmities.  For I am infirm, and such wickedness among this people doth pain my soul.  O Lord, my heart is exceedingly sorrowful; wilt thou comfort my soul in Christ.  O Lord, wilt thou grant unto me that I may have strength, that I may suffer with patience these afflictions which shall come upon me, because of the iniquity of this people.  O Lord, wilt thou comfort my soul, and give unto me success..."

This is a prayer that I think many of us has said often.  How often do we pray for strength?  How often do we pray for comfort and patience?  

Do you know that your prayers are answered?  They are.  I can promise you that.  

All you need to do is exercise just a particle of faith like Alma teaches the Zoramites.  That is enough. "Even if you can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you."  Even if your faith is as small as a little seed, plant it.  Plant that seed in your heart and nourish it. "And now, behold, will not this strengthen your faith?  Yea, it will strengthen your faith; for ye will say I know that this is a good seed; for behold it sprouteth and beginneth to grow."  

I have had many prayers where I just don't know what to do and I can't handle it anymore.  Sometimes it seems like I am not getting answers.  Sometimes I am unclear on what the answer is.  But, as I have tried to have diligence, faith and patience like Alma said, my prayers have always been answered.  The answers never come when I want them to, but they come when they need to.  Heavenly Father has a perfect time table.  Trust it.  Maybe you aren't ready for the answer yet.  That has been my case sometimes.  Then, when I am ready for it, Heavenly Father will give it to me.  Sometimes answers come parts at a time.  We learn precept upon precept.  

I have learned something recently thanks to a friend.  She used this analogy that went something like this...You are on a road trip and you feel that you need to get off at the Dallas exit.  So you think, okay, Heavenly Father needs me in Dallas.  So you get off at the Dallas exit.  Then you come to a fork in the road and you feel very strongly to go right.  But Dallas is to the left, and you felt so strongly that Dallas was where you have to be.  But really, Dallas wasn't your destination,  it was just a direction.  Often times I confuse my directions with destinations.  Sometimes because I received revelation that this is where I need to be, that this is what I need to be doing, I think that this IS where I need to be.  This is my destination, but really, it's only a direction.  It was a way I needed to go on my path.  It was something I had to do, and then, I can move on, and continue on my path.  Don't confuse your directions with destinations.  Don't doubt your promptings because you never know your path.  Never postpone a prompting either as Thomas S. Monson teaches.  Last week I had a prompting and it was all I could think about.  I knew I had to do it, but I was scared.  I finally did it and then, I realized that through that, I received an answer to a prayer.  If I hadn't acted on my promptings, I may have never received that answer to that prayer and I would still be sitting here in wonder.  

Like I said before, whatever you are going through right now, you can handle it.  It might be hard, but it will be worth it in the end.  You will be grateful for your challenges.  He will guide and direct you.  As things get crazy, one thing never changes, and that is that Heavenly Father loves you.  He is your shadow by day and your pillar by night.  He is my only delight.  Follow Him.  Choose to follow Him.  I promise you it will be worth it.  

 Remember that if you can't see...maybe it's because you need more light.  You have to have light in order to see.  There is a dawning of a brighter day ahead.  Through faith you will begin to inherit. 

Family is Everything

My family means everything to me.  I love them and miss them every day.

This past week I was thinking about the time when I moved out of my house to come to school.  This was very hard for me.  My parents don't know this, but for the first couple weeks after I moved out, I got really homesick.  I would cry myself to sleep some nights.  I felt like such a baby, (especially since my family is only 25 minutes away) but I really missed my family.  When I would go home to visit, as I was giving my little sisters and my parents hugs goodbye, I had to try and hide my tears.  It was so hard for me to leave them.

It was especially hard because I have 4 younger siblings and I really wanted to be a part of their life as they grew up.  I wanted them to remember me when they look back at their elementary years.  I don't want their childhood memories of me as just an older sister who moved away to college and would come home sometimes but not very often.  I really want to be a part of their lives.  I miss being able to see them come home from school and rush through the door and just give me hugs.  I miss laughing with them at the silly things they do.

I also miss my best friend.  My older sister and I have always been roommates.  We always had a good relationship.  We would play barbies and dolls growing up and sneak downstairs in the kitchen when mom and dad were watching a movie at night.  We would play piano duets together.  But after high school is when she really became my best friend.  The summer after high school I was so grateful that I had an older sister to go to the singles ward with.  I have always looked up to her and I love being with her.  She is probably the one person that knows me the most besides my Savior.  She knows everything about me.  She knows my weaknesses and strengths.  She has seen me in my worst and my best.  She has always been there and she always will be there.  I really miss her every day.  She calls me about every day.  I really miss her.  I miss being able to go on drives with her and crying or laughing or singing at the top of our lungs.  I miss being able to come home and just talk to her.  Everyday I wish I could be there for her.  I wish I could be there when she needs me.

It is hard to not be able to go home to my family.  I miss seeing my parents and getting their advice and help.  I miss my siblings.

Well now I just feel like a big baby.  But I have learned so much through all of this.  I have really learned the importance of families.  I  have cherished the moments I get to go home and spend time with my family.  I cherish every hug from my little sisters.  I am so grateful for my family.

I know that my family can be together forever.  That alone is what keeps me going.  Even though I don't see my family every day, I know that I can be with them forever.  I am so grateful that my parents were sealed in the temple and that we are all sealed together.

Even though sometimes I feel so alone,  I know that I am not alone.  I am grateful for my family on the other side of the veil who I know are watching over me.  I have felt their presence and their love.  I cannot wait to see them again.  I am grateful that Christ is my elder brother.  I am never alone because of Him.  I am so grateful for Him everyday.

I am so excited for the day when I can have my own family and have the priesthood preside in my own home.  I am excited to be a mother and I hope that I can be just like my mother and follow in her footsteps.  I hope that I can share with my children the love of my Savior.

I am grateful for my family and their support in my choices and actions.  They give me strength.  I love them with all of my heart.  I am grateful that this gospel is centered around families.  I think I didn't realize the importance of my family until I didn't have them everyday.  They really are such a great strength.  I am so grateful that I get to be with them forever.