Monday, November 10, 2014

Hang On & Trust God

I have been feeling very inadequate lately. I feel like I am struggling in every aspect of my life right now, and I keep beating myself about it, and it's not getting better. I've had a hard time trying to figure out where I belong. I've had a hard time balancing my life especially when I feel like I'm living two different lives at the same time.  Imagine maybe going to serve a mission and that place where you serve. You learn to love it.  You love the area, you love the people, you love who you are there, and what you are learning and who you are becoming. But imagine being on a mission during the day and then coming home every night.  It's hard to explain. They're both good things, but it's hard.  I feel very emotionally unstable sometimes.  I keeping receiving "no" answers and it's very frustrating. I know I'm not supposed to do that, and not that, and not that, but I don't know what I am supposed to do.

Today, I don't think I've ever felt so happy and so sad at the same time. We started singing Christmas songs in choir today.  The Christmas concert will be my last concert, and I cry every time I think about that. I cannot explain it. Basically there are so many things in my life right now that I can't explain.

"The average person talks between 100 and 200 words per minute, and yet we think between 200 and 400 words per minute, which means no one ever knows everything that we think or feel or all that we want to say.  The author Henry avid Thoreau was right when he wrote, "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." So again the question remains: What are you going to do about it? You can't quit-it is a league rule! Yet no one knows your pain and sorrow. So where do you go? To whom do you turn?" -Dan Clark

You  can imagine what he said next.  It's times when you feel absolutely stuck that you need Him. He will give you peace.  He will give you grace.  Stop fearing.  Fear is one of the greatest tools of Satan. "Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace my fears relieved.  How precious did that grace appear, the hour I first believed."  You just have to believe.  Believe with every part of your body and soul.  

I know that if you just ask for His help, He will help you.  I think the trick is having that faith and trust that He will answer you.  You have to pray knowing that He will answer, and then you have to listen.  He will help you in the hardest decisions and choices you have to make, but he will also help you in the little things every day.

Last week I was having a rough day at school and I was just praying that someone would just tell me that they loved me or give me a hug.  Then I got to choir, and the girl I sit next to comes in and just yells my name and comes and gives me this big hug and tells me she loves me.

Two weeks ago it was on a Thursday and I was stuck at school setting up a show for my letterpress class, and Institute was coming up soon.  Thursdays are probably my favorite days because it's devotional day in choir, and then I get to go to institute after school.  Well, institute starts at 7 and it takes me around 30 minutes to get home from school.  It was 6:00 and I was getting a little antsy.  Then it was 6:30 and I snuck away and ran to my scooter to ride home.  Now I know it's not that big of a deal to be a little bit late, but I hate being late.  I hate being late because I hate missing the opening song.  I don't think anyone should miss the opening song.  Sometimes, the song is my favorite part.  So I am riding my scooter as fast as I can without going too fast just praying that I might be able to make it for the opening song.  I stopped at my house to drop off my backpack and grab my scriptures.  It was 7:00, and I thought that I was going to miss it. I thought by the time I get there it'd be too late. But I still ran to institute and ran in the door. Right when I walked in the teacher said, "Okay, should we sing the opening song now?" Oh it made me so happy.  If God answers stupid little prayers about making it to sing the opening song, I'm pretty sure he will answer our big concerns and problems. Sometimes those just take more time.

Whatever problems you have, talk to God about them because only He can fully understand. Trust your own feelings.  You know best what you feel about what you should do.  It's nice to talk to people and get advice, but when it comes down to it, only you know what feels right to you. Trust God.  I know it's hard.  It's scary sometimes to fully put your whole life into the hands of an unknown God.  But you do know Him.  He's been there your whole life, and if you don't know Him, get to know Him because He knows you.  He is trying to help you. Sometimes all you can do is trust Him.  But that is enough. You can do hard things. Just take one day at a time and hang on.  He's proud of you and of how far you've come.  Don't give up. Things will get better.

Also, you should really listen to this devotional talk by Dan Clark who I quoted earlier.  I attended it a few weeks ago and it changed my life. I've read it like three times since. You have to listen to it.  Sometime this week.  Do it. Don't read it. You have to listen to him talking. It is amazing.  It will make you want to become better.

Thats all.