Hang On & Trust God

I have been feeling very inadequate lately. I feel like I am struggling in every aspect of my life right now, and I keep beating myself about it, and it's not getting better. I've had a hard time trying to figure out where I belong. I've had a hard time balancing my life especially when I feel like I'm living two different lives at the same time.  Imagine maybe going to serve a mission and that place where you serve. You learn to love it.  You love the area, you love the people, you love who you are there, and what you are learning and who you are becoming. But imagine being on a mission during the day and then coming home every night.  It's hard to explain. They're both good things, but it's hard.  I feel very emotionally unstable sometimes.  I keeping receiving "no" answers and it's very frustrating. I know I'm not supposed to do that, and not that, and not that, but I don't know what I am supposed to do.

Today, I don't think I've ever felt so happy and so sad at the same time. We started singing Christmas songs in choir today.  The Christmas concert will be my last concert, and I cry every time I think about that. I cannot explain it. Basically there are so many things in my life right now that I can't explain.

"The average person talks between 100 and 200 words per minute, and yet we think between 200 and 400 words per minute, which means no one ever knows everything that we think or feel or all that we want to say.  The author Henry avid Thoreau was right when he wrote, "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." So again the question remains: What are you going to do about it? You can't quit-it is a league rule! Yet no one knows your pain and sorrow. So where do you go? To whom do you turn?" -Dan Clark

You  can imagine what he said next.  It's times when you feel absolutely stuck that you need Him. He will give you peace.  He will give you grace.  Stop fearing.  Fear is one of the greatest tools of Satan. "Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace my fears relieved.  How precious did that grace appear, the hour I first believed."  You just have to believe.  Believe with every part of your body and soul.  

I know that if you just ask for His help, He will help you.  I think the trick is having that faith and trust that He will answer you.  You have to pray knowing that He will answer, and then you have to listen.  He will help you in the hardest decisions and choices you have to make, but he will also help you in the little things every day.

Last week I was having a rough day at school and I was just praying that someone would just tell me that they loved me or give me a hug.  Then I got to choir, and the girl I sit next to comes in and just yells my name and comes and gives me this big hug and tells me she loves me.

Two weeks ago it was on a Thursday and I was stuck at school setting up a show for my letterpress class, and Institute was coming up soon.  Thursdays are probably my favorite days because it's devotional day in choir, and then I get to go to institute after school.  Well, institute starts at 7 and it takes me around 30 minutes to get home from school.  It was 6:00 and I was getting a little antsy.  Then it was 6:30 and I snuck away and ran to my scooter to ride home.  Now I know it's not that big of a deal to be a little bit late, but I hate being late.  I hate being late because I hate missing the opening song.  I don't think anyone should miss the opening song.  Sometimes, the song is my favorite part.  So I am riding my scooter as fast as I can without going too fast just praying that I might be able to make it for the opening song.  I stopped at my house to drop off my backpack and grab my scriptures.  It was 7:00, and I thought that I was going to miss it. I thought by the time I get there it'd be too late. But I still ran to institute and ran in the door. Right when I walked in the teacher said, "Okay, should we sing the opening song now?" Oh it made me so happy.  If God answers stupid little prayers about making it to sing the opening song, I'm pretty sure he will answer our big concerns and problems. Sometimes those just take more time.

Whatever problems you have, talk to God about them because only He can fully understand. Trust your own feelings.  You know best what you feel about what you should do.  It's nice to talk to people and get advice, but when it comes down to it, only you know what feels right to you. Trust God.  I know it's hard.  It's scary sometimes to fully put your whole life into the hands of an unknown God.  But you do know Him.  He's been there your whole life, and if you don't know Him, get to know Him because He knows you.  He is trying to help you. Sometimes all you can do is trust Him.  But that is enough. You can do hard things. Just take one day at a time and hang on.  He's proud of you and of how far you've come.  Don't give up. Things will get better.

Also, you should really listen to this devotional talk by Dan Clark who I quoted earlier.  I attended it a few weeks ago and it changed my life. I've read it like three times since. You have to listen to it.  Sometime this week.  Do it. Don't read it. You have to listen to him talking. It is amazing.  It will make you want to become better.

Thats all.

http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=2206&view=2

Be Not of the World

I am so grateful that I am a daughter of God.  That knowledge alone has given me reason for so many things in my life.  It has brought me hope in times of discouragement.  It has brought me peace.  It has brought me comfort.

I've been thinking lately about my worth.  All growing up in Young Womens we recited, "We are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us..."  I think every girl at some time in her life goes through some self worth doubts.  I remember when I had that realization that I really am worth way more than what the world sees me as.  I used to take everything so seriously about what people said about me.  It still is hard, and sometimes I still take things way too seriously and personally.  But I remember one specific time.  I was in the fifth grade.  We were all lining up in front of our door getting ready to go to recess.  There was this one boy that was in front of me in line.  I remember standing in line and saying "Oh, I'm hot." referring to my temperature.  But this boy in my class turned around and gave me this look of disgust and said, "Uhhh..not really."  To this day, I still remember that feeling I had.  I remember the look he gave me.  That really offended me, and after that I really didn't think that anyone liked me or could like me because I wasn't "hot" or even "cute".  I didn't think I was cute, and I didn't think that boys could even like me.

Now, first of all, I think it's important for us to realize that what we say to others and about others can really effect them.  I think that we should never say anything bad about anyone because people never forget what you say to them and how you treat them.  So I am going to try and remember that myself and I will try to be better at saying nice things to people. You never regret when you say something nice.  Never.

Secondly, this was just a little fifth grader.  Why should I base what I thought about myself and base what everyone else thought about me just because of what a little fifth grade boy told me?  I know that my Heavenly Father loves me, and I know that I am worth way more to Him than I think I could every be capable of.

Again, I am grateful for the knowledge that I have that I am a daughter of Heavenly Father.  That has brought me peace.  Another thing that I learned a lot about in Young Women's is about how my body is a temple and a gift from my Heavenly Father.  One of my greatest pet peeves is immodesty.   It's not immodesty itself that is my pet peeve, but more when girls dress immodestly and expect boys to respect them.  How could you expect anyone else to respect you when you don't even respect yourself?  I don't dress modestly just so that boys will respect me, I dress modestly because I respect myself and I know my worth.  I think that is where it all starts.  When you truly know your worth, you know how Heavenly Father sees you, you know that your body is a gift, then why would you even want to disrespect that and dress immodestly?  I dress modestly because I want to.  I know that I will make covenants in the temple with my Heavenly Father and I want to dress in such a way that will respect those covenants.  I remember singing this song in Young Womens that says, "I don't need the attention of immodesty.  I am confident in my divinity.  No matter what the world may do, I'm a daughter of God, and I'm holding on to virtue."

And that's where it all comes back to.  I am a daughter of God, and I am so grateful for that.  I know that I am worth so much to Him, and the least I can do is respect my body that He gave me.  I am worth more than what the world says I am.  I am worth more than what I think I am and what others think of me.  I strive to stand as a witness of Him in all the ways that I can.  Sometimes it's hard to stand up for truth.  Sometimes it's hard to not want to just be "of the world", but we can't hide under a bushel.  Jeffrey R. Holland says, "Never check your religion at the door!"  I think that that is something that really shows our devotion to God.  We need to be a witness at all times, in all things, and in all places no matter what other people think, no matter what the world says.  You are worth more than what others think of you.  You are a beloved child of God, and He loves you.  No other knowledge is worth more than that truth.

Sunday Thoughts

Whatever you are going through right now, you can handle it.  We all have burdens to bear and loads to carry.  Look at Alma.  He lead a mission to the Zoramites.  The Zoramites denied Christ.  Alma's heart grieved when he saw that their hearts were set upon riches.  He was lost.  He was didn't know what to do, and so what did he do? He prayed.  

"...O Lord, wilt thou give me strength, that I may bear with mine infirmities.  For I am infirm, and such wickedness among this people doth pain my soul.  O Lord, my heart is exceedingly sorrowful; wilt thou comfort my soul in Christ.  O Lord, wilt thou grant unto me that I may have strength, that I may suffer with patience these afflictions which shall come upon me, because of the iniquity of this people.  O Lord, wilt thou comfort my soul, and give unto me success..."

This is a prayer that I think many of us has said often.  How often do we pray for strength?  How often do we pray for comfort and patience?  

Do you know that your prayers are answered?  They are.  I can promise you that.  

All you need to do is exercise just a particle of faith like Alma teaches the Zoramites.  That is enough. "Even if you can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you."  Even if your faith is as small as a little seed, plant it.  Plant that seed in your heart and nourish it. "And now, behold, will not this strengthen your faith?  Yea, it will strengthen your faith; for ye will say I know that this is a good seed; for behold it sprouteth and beginneth to grow."  

I have had many prayers where I just don't know what to do and I can't handle it anymore.  Sometimes it seems like I am not getting answers.  Sometimes I am unclear on what the answer is.  But, as I have tried to have diligence, faith and patience like Alma said, my prayers have always been answered.  The answers never come when I want them to, but they come when they need to.  Heavenly Father has a perfect time table.  Trust it.  Maybe you aren't ready for the answer yet.  That has been my case sometimes.  Then, when I am ready for it, Heavenly Father will give it to me.  Sometimes answers come parts at a time.  We learn precept upon precept.  

I have learned something recently thanks to a friend.  She used this analogy that went something like this...You are on a road trip and you feel that you need to get off at the Dallas exit.  So you think, okay, Heavenly Father needs me in Dallas.  So you get off at the Dallas exit.  Then you come to a fork in the road and you feel very strongly to go right.  But Dallas is to the left, and you felt so strongly that Dallas was where you have to be.  But really, Dallas wasn't your destination,  it was just a direction.  Often times I confuse my directions with destinations.  Sometimes because I received revelation that this is where I need to be, that this is what I need to be doing, I think that this IS where I need to be.  This is my destination, but really, it's only a direction.  It was a way I needed to go on my path.  It was something I had to do, and then, I can move on, and continue on my path.  Don't confuse your directions with destinations.  Don't doubt your promptings because you never know your path.  Never postpone a prompting either as Thomas S. Monson teaches.  Last week I had a prompting and it was all I could think about.  I knew I had to do it, but I was scared.  I finally did it and then, I realized that through that, I received an answer to a prayer.  If I hadn't acted on my promptings, I may have never received that answer to that prayer and I would still be sitting here in wonder.  

Like I said before, whatever you are going through right now, you can handle it.  It might be hard, but it will be worth it in the end.  You will be grateful for your challenges.  He will guide and direct you.  As things get crazy, one thing never changes, and that is that Heavenly Father loves you.  He is your shadow by day and your pillar by night.  He is my only delight.  Follow Him.  Choose to follow Him.  I promise you it will be worth it.  

 Remember that if you can't see...maybe it's because you need more light.  You have to have light in order to see.  There is a dawning of a brighter day ahead.  Through faith you will begin to inherit. 

Family is Everything

My family means everything to me.  I love them and miss them every day.

This past week I was thinking about the time when I moved out of my house to come to school.  This was very hard for me.  My parents don't know this, but for the first couple weeks after I moved out, I got really homesick.  I would cry myself to sleep some nights.  I felt like such a baby, (especially since my family is only 25 minutes away) but I really missed my family.  When I would go home to visit, as I was giving my little sisters and my parents hugs goodbye, I had to try and hide my tears.  It was so hard for me to leave them.

It was especially hard because I have 4 younger siblings and I really wanted to be a part of their life as they grew up.  I wanted them to remember me when they look back at their elementary years.  I don't want their childhood memories of me as just an older sister who moved away to college and would come home sometimes but not very often.  I really want to be a part of their lives.  I miss being able to see them come home from school and rush through the door and just give me hugs.  I miss laughing with them at the silly things they do.

I also miss my best friend.  My older sister and I have always been roommates.  We always had a good relationship.  We would play barbies and dolls growing up and sneak downstairs in the kitchen when mom and dad were watching a movie at night.  We would play piano duets together.  But after high school is when she really became my best friend.  The summer after high school I was so grateful that I had an older sister to go to the singles ward with.  I have always looked up to her and I love being with her.  She is probably the one person that knows me the most besides my Savior.  She knows everything about me.  She knows my weaknesses and strengths.  She has seen me in my worst and my best.  She has always been there and she always will be there.  I really miss her every day.  She calls me about every day.  I really miss her.  I miss being able to go on drives with her and crying or laughing or singing at the top of our lungs.  I miss being able to come home and just talk to her.  Everyday I wish I could be there for her.  I wish I could be there when she needs me.

It is hard to not be able to go home to my family.  I miss seeing my parents and getting their advice and help.  I miss my siblings.

Well now I just feel like a big baby.  But I have learned so much through all of this.  I have really learned the importance of families.  I  have cherished the moments I get to go home and spend time with my family.  I cherish every hug from my little sisters.  I am so grateful for my family.

I know that my family can be together forever.  That alone is what keeps me going.  Even though I don't see my family every day, I know that I can be with them forever.  I am so grateful that my parents were sealed in the temple and that we are all sealed together.

Even though sometimes I feel so alone,  I know that I am not alone.  I am grateful for my family on the other side of the veil who I know are watching over me.  I have felt their presence and their love.  I cannot wait to see them again.  I am grateful that Christ is my elder brother.  I am never alone because of Him.  I am so grateful for Him everyday.

I am so excited for the day when I can have my own family and have the priesthood preside in my own home.  I am excited to be a mother and I hope that I can be just like my mother and follow in her footsteps.  I hope that I can share with my children the love of my Savior.

I am grateful for my family and their support in my choices and actions.  They give me strength.  I love them with all of my heart.  I am grateful that this gospel is centered around families.  I think I didn't realize the importance of my family until I didn't have them everyday.  They really are such a great strength.  I am so grateful that I get to be with them forever.

    

Merry Christmas!

After singing this song in BYU Women's Chorus, I felt Christ's perfect love for me.  I am so grateful for Him and for this time of the year when we get to celebrate His birth.  I made a little video to share my experience I had when I sang this song:) Merry Christmas!

Through All of His Trials, He Still Thought of You

I want to tell you all about an experience I had last month. One day I decided that all day I was just going to serve others and not focus on myself and what I had to do.  So I decided that on my way to campus and to and from classes and work, I would look at everybody that I saw walking past me, and I would keep a prayer in my heart, and pray for everyone that I saw.  It was quite an experience for me. I bet I prayed for hundreds of people that day.  I don't know how much I helped all of those people, but I hope I did.  Sometimes, I didn't even know why when I was praying some random thing would pop into my head.  I would look at one person and could tell that they were struggling, and I would pray that they might be strengthened, and I think I looked at one person and prayed that all will be well with her family.  I don't know why, that's just what came to my head.  I would either look at a specific person, and ask to bless this person who is wearing this color shirt or walking in this building, or whatever… or I would pray for all the people around me as a whole.  Can I tell you something, it was sooooo exaughsting!!!  It really takes a lot of energy!  It felt like I was giving of myself to all these people. Everybody needs a prayer!  But it really helped me to be able to just see everyone walking past me as a child of God.  I did not have one judgmental thought about anybody that day.  It was quite amazing.  Usually when I walk past people, I just judge, cause i'm human and thats what we do.  I judge them based on what they're wearing, or how they look.  But that day I looked at everybody different.  There was this girl that was running through campus with her backpack and papers in her hand. Usually I would think that she looked silly running to class or wherever, but that didn't even cross my mind. Right when I saw her I just prayed that she might be able to safely and quickly get to where she needed to go and that everything was going to be okay.
This experience really showed me how Christ sees us and I hope I can do better at loving everyone and helping everyone.

Then later that day, I was walking into choir and I saw my Women's Chorus president sitting outside on a bench.  Now, she doesn't really know me.  She knows who I am and I've talked to her a few brief times, but I saw her sitting there looking at her phone. It looked like she was crying or something.  I thought that I need to go sit next to her, but I was scared to.  I walked past her inside the building, but I couldn't go further.  I turned around and walked back out.  I stopped and took a few breaths, and went and sat down next to her.  I didn't even know what to say, I just said hi, and asked how she was.  She looks at me and said she's doing good.  She looked totally fine!  She wasn't crying!  She was smiling! Then she said like, "well how are you? what's up?  Are YOU doing alright?"  I looked at her, and I almost started crying!  I thought I was doing okay, but when she asked me, I really had to think if I was okay… and I thought and you know what? I am doing okay, but life is crazy right now. I have my trials, but what I needed at that moment was for her to be genuinely concerned for me.  It wasn't just like a normal, "Hey how are you?" She actually cared about my answer.  She cared how I was doing.  Then she just started talking about everything that was stressing her out with being choir president, and she was concerned about all of these different things.  It was really great for me because it was what I needed.  I thought that by going and sitting with her, that I would help her out!  But I didn't!  She helped me out!  She made me feel involved and included.  She showed me genuine love.  When she asked me how I was doing, I realized that I hadn't even thought about myself that day. I was thinking of others all day. That really showed me how Christ was.  He never thought about himself even when he had his own trials and struggles.  Especially then.  That's when he was thinking of us.

That day I learned many things.  I learned that first of all God loves all of His children and everyone is struggling. Everyone could use a prayer.  Also, it is important to stop and just talk to someone sometimes cause you never know if they or YOU need it.  I challenge you guys to just pray for everyone you see one day.  It really is quite amazing what can happen.  I promise you that you will see Christ in your day.  He will show you His love for His children.  He will teach you a little bit more about how to become like Him.  You will see how exhausting it is to give part of yourself to everyone you see, but it is what Christ did.  He prays for every single one of us every day.
I love my Savior and all that He did for me.  I hope that I can become more like Him every day.

Don't Cry

"Hold on, let it pass you by; Hold on don't quit, you've got the angels by your side.  Your heart is strong enough to see this battle won.  Your faith will make the morning come.  Your faith will bring the rising sun."

This last Thursday and Friday night I have had the most wonderful opportunity to be a part of the BYU's Homecoming Spectacular and sing in the Women's Chorus.  Thursday night's performance was amazing, but last night was something special.  During Fridays class rehearsal Sis. Appoline said what an honor it is for us to sing in this program.  As the Homecoming Spectacular is held in the Marriott Center, Sis. Appoline mentioned that we already sang for thousands of people Thursday night, and we get to sing for thousands more tonight.   That really hit me.  In my patriarchal blessing it says that I will bless the lives of those who hear me sing and that I will bring them peace and joy.  I always wondered what difference I would make in a choir full of 155 powerful women.  But that's the magnificent thing about it!  I get to be a part of this amazing choir full of these amazing singers.  It's not about how I can touch the audience myself, it's about how I can touch the audience with the 154 women singing behind me.  Singing in a choir is about unity.  I cannot describe how truly amazing it is when so many people come together with the same goals and we work together to make something so sacred.

Before our concerts, Sis. Appoline gives us a prompt and tells us to find a trigger that will set off our heart as we sing.  A performance isn't about getting on a stage and just singing a song.  It's about becoming one and sharing a message through your heart by singing.  We have to sing from our heart, or our performance means nothing.  So our trigger is that we need to think of someone we love and dedicate our songs to them.  Someone we would give our heart to.  Thursday night, this is what I did.  I thought of different people whom I love dearly and I sang to them.  Friday night was a little different.  Before the concert, I was sitting in the hallway in the Marriott Center, reading my patriarchal blessing.  I decided that I wanted to bring peace and joy to the audience that night.

I got on stage and looked out to the thousands of people sitting there anxiously waiting to hear us.  Then, we sang to them.  I sang from my heart.  I wanted all of them to feel my testimony through the song.  That's what I did.  Then, when we got back on stage for the finale, we were about to sing "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" while the Cougarettes danced in front of us.  Nathan Pacheco, who was the guest artist got up and introduced the song.  (If you don't know who Nathan Pacheco is, go look him up.  He is soo amazing!  He also is a BYU alumni and was in the Men's Chorus in 1998)  So we started singing.  "Come thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing thy praise!"  Then the song hit me. I even started getting a  little teary eyed, it was amazing.

Then for the finale, Nathan Pacheco came back on stage and we had the most wonderful opportunity to sing his song "Don't Cry" with him.  It was an experience I will never forget.  Before we started singing, he was introducing the song.  He gave us students some council.  He said to pay attention to the burnings within us, because they won't always burn.  He said to do the things we feel are right. We could see on the teleprompter what he was supposed to say, but then he started saying something that wasn't on the teleprompter.  He started bearing his testimony.  I don't remember what he said, but whatever he said was exactly what I needed to hear.  I started crying.  I could hear the girls behind me sniffing their noses too.  Then Nathan said, "Now we are going to sing, "Don't Cry"" and we all kind of chuckled cause we were all crying!

As he started singing I realized something.  The words of his song spoke directly to me.  I had been praying and praying for the past month and have felt like I wasn't receiving a direct answer.  I was starting to lose hope.  Then Nathan sang, "Don't cry, don't cry though hope seems gone.  Don't cry this battle still can be won.  And all these tears that blind and cloud your day will fall to the ground.  Your bitter fears will fade away."  I had been praying and praying and I never even realized that my answer was right in front of me the whole time!  We have had this music for a while and had been rehearsing it, but I never actually thought it was exactly what I needed.  As we joined in on the chorus we sang, "Hold on, let it pass you by; Hold on don't quit, you've got the angels by your side.  Your heart is strong enough to see this battle won.  Your faith will make the morning come.  Your faith will bring the rising sun."  That was when I wasn't singing to the audience anymore.  I didn't have a person in my heart I was singing to, because right then, I felt like God was singing to me.  My voice just got overpowered with all of the angels that were by our side.  I realized that I was the one that needed these songs sung to.

It really is quite amazing when you realize that your answer is right there in front of you.  As I was walking home I had two different people stop me and thank me for my performance.  They said that Women's Chorus was amazing tonight.  I had brought peace and joy to them!  I was so happy!  When I got back home after a very tearful walk, I sat down on my bed and opened up my scriptures.  I've been bad lately about really studying my scriptures.  I still read them every day but lately I've been reading just so I can read my scriptures every day.  But last night I was determined to study them and get something out of them.  I opened up to Ether 12.  It happened again!  The answer was right in front of me the whole time in my scriptures!  It says that hope cometh of faith.  Faith is things which are hoped for.  Have faith in God, and He will make weak things become strong.  I needed that faith.  I thought back to the chorus of that song.  My faith will make the morning come.  I can't quit, because my heart IS strong enough.  I can win this battle and my faith will bring the rising sun.

Then, it gets even better!  I turned to where I was normally reading in Alma 29.  Then in verse 9 it says, "I do not glory of myself, but I glory in that which the Lord hath commanded me; yea, and this is my glory, that perhaps I may be an instrument in the hands of God.."  Then I thought of this in a way that I never have before.  I literally can be in instrument in the hands of God.  My instrument is my voice.  I knew that Women's Chorus is where I need to be.

Now I have had the opportunity of a lifetime to sing in front of thousands and thousands of people.  I also am truly blessed to be in Women's Chorus this year, because as it is Sis. Applonie's 10th year anniversary of teaching, we are releasing an album.  My voice is going to be in that CD that people across the world can hear.  The best part is, is that album is going to be full of religious songs.

If you are reading this, thank you.  My heart truly humbled last night.  I gained faith and hope.  If you are in need of a little hope and faith, listen to this song.  It's not the same as being a part of it in a live performance and feeling the spirit and power there, but this song is just simply amazing.

  

We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve

Charlie: Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?
Bill:  Are we talking about anyone specific?
(Charlie nods)
Bill:  We accept the love we think we deserve.
Charlie: Can we make them know they deserve more?
Bill: We can try.
-The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Never settle for anything less than what you are.  You know your standards.  Sometimes we may think that we don't deserve someones love.  We feel as though we aren't worthy of it. 

"The feeling of being accepted by someone we love is a basic human need.  Being accepted by good people motivates us.  It increases our sense of self-worth and self-confidence.  Those who cannot find acceptance from desirable sources often seek it elsewhere.  They may look to people who are not interested in their well-being.  They may attach themselves to false friends and do questionable things to try to receive the acknowledgement they are seeking...."

It is good to feel accepted by others.  This is something that I've noticed lately about myself.  It makes me happy to know that I am loved and accepted, but I've noticed that I feel hurt if I do not feel accepted or loved. I can do something for someone that I think was plainly out of love and feel like they don't realize it or thank me for what I did for them.  I wanted to be appreciated for what I have done.  I wanted to be loved back.  Then I saw this quote that changed my perspective.
"Women should be women and not babies that need petting and correction all the time.  I know we like to be appreciated but if we do not get all the appreciation which we think is our due, what matters?  We know the Lord has laid high responsibility upon us, and there is not a wish or desire that the Lord has implanted in our hearts in righteousness but will be realized, and the greatest good we can do to ourselves and each other is to refine and cultivate ourselves in everything that is good and ennobling to qualify us for those responsibilities." -Eliza R. Snow
What matters?  I need to stop acting like a baby and want to feel loved all the time.  I don't need to be worried about what others think of me.  I don't need to be appreciated for what I've done.  Heavenly Father knows what I've done.  He knows what I have done for others, and he appreciates me for it.  He accepts me.  He loves me.
Now back to The Perks of Being a Wallflower quote.  "We accept the love we think we deserve."  How do you think Christ feels.  He is offering His love to us.  He loves us no matter what we've done.  The thing is, do we accept His love? You may think that you don't deserve His love...and you are right. Does anyone really deserve Christ's love?  How can a perfect being offer so much love for an imperfect being like ourselves?  We don't deserve His love.  But, we can accept His love.  His love is pure and perfect.


"Love means that you accept a person with all their failures, stupidities, ugly points, and nonetheless, you see perfection in imperfection itself."

This is the wonderful power of the atonement.  We may not be worthy of what Christ did for us.  But we need to allow the atonement in our lives.  We need to realize that we are imperfect, but it doesn't matter.  Christ paid our debt.  He paid it in full.  His grace is sufficient for all of us.  How wonderful is it that Christ did that for us? Once you learn that you don't need to feel accepted by others to feel appreciated, and to just accept God's love (not because you deserve it, but plainly because He loves you) your life will be changed.  When we love others it is because it is a pure love.  It happens when we see perfection in imperfection.  Love is the most powerful thing in the world.  It is the reason why we are here.  If nothing else matters, remember that God loves you!  God's love is there for you.  He's trying to just give you all His love.  Accept it.  Let the power of the atonement change your life.  It has changed mine.

Just Be Patient

Last night I decided to download the conference talk, "Continue in Patience"  By Dieter F. Uchtdorf to listen to at work today.  Little did I know that it was going to be exactly what I needed to hear.  It was such a blessing.

Patience is something that I have been trying to work on lately with many different trials in my life.
I think it is something that all of us could improve.  We all want things in our lives, answers to prayers, and problems to be resolved, but sometimes we just have to be patient.  And it's hard.

"Waiting can be hard.  We live in a world offering fast food, instant messaging, on-demand movies, and immediate answers to the most trivial or profound questions.  We don't like to wait.  Some even feel their blood pressure rise when their line at the grocery store moves slower than those around them.

Patience- the ability to put our desires on hold for a time- is a precious and rare virtue.  We want what we want, and we want it now.  Therefore, the very idea of patience may seem unpleasant and, at times, bitter."

I didn't realize it before, but impatience is a symptom of selfishness.  When I am impatient I do want things my way now in my time, but that is being so selfish.  It's not all about me.  Only Heavenly Father knows what is best for me so if I have the patience to see his will, then I won't be as selfish and I can focus on being more selfless and serve others around me.  That's something I need to work on.

Uchtdorf said that he learned that patience is far more than simply waiting for something to happen.   Patience requires actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results didn't appear instantly or without effort.

"There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears.  Patience means active waiting and enduring.  It means staying with something and doing all that we can-working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed.  Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"

Sometimes I think that when I have to be patience, all I have to do is wait.  That seems so boring!  How can I expect myself to be patient if I'm not doing anything and just waiting for God to do it all?  That's not how patience works!  I need to endure my trials.  I need to try my hardest.  I need to exercise my faith.  I need to never give up.  President Uchtdorf said, "Never give up on anyone.  And that includes not giving up on yourself."

He talked about how the children of Israel waited 40 years in the wilderness before they could enter the promise land.  Jacob waited 7 long years for Rachel.  The Jews waited 70 years in Babylon before they could return to rebuild the temple.  There are so many other examples of people who had to endure patience.  We all have to wait.

Patience requires faith.  We need to remember that we receive things "line upon line, precept upon precept."Patience is a process of perfection.  "It means staying with something until the very end.  It means delaying immediate gratification for future blessings.  It means reining in anger and holding back the unkind word.  It means resisting evil, even when it appears to be making others rich."

Finally, patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace, and faith.  We have to submit all things to the Lord.  We just have to.  There's no other way.  We need to stay firm and steadfast every hour of every day even when it is so hard to do so.

Whatever you are going through,  whatever pain you are feeling,  remember that it's not permanent.  Keep moving forward.  Be patient.  Things will work out.  Never give up.  I know it's hard.  I know what it's like to want to give up.  God doesn't give up on you.  He is just waiting for you to realize that He has so many great things for you if you just wait!!  I know you may want answers to your prayers now.  I know that it is hard.  Immerse yourself with good things and good people.  Stop being so selfish. :P God knows what you need-when you need it.  Just trust Him.  Have hope for the future.  

 
 

My Inherent Authority

"The place of a woman is to walk beside the man, not in front of him nor behind him." -Elder Widtsoe

I think that it is important that women know the truth of who they are.  John 8:32 says "ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free." I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father.  I love Him, and He loves me.

Sis. Dew said, "If we don't have a clear sense of our identity and purpose, we are much more vulnerable to Lucifer.  He of course knows this and accordingly attempts to blur our vision.  He lies.  He shades and obliterates truth.  He makes evil look good and good look unenlightened and unsophisticated.  Make no mistake about it: Lucifer will do anything to derail, disappoint, dishearten, discourage, and deceive us- and particularly those who have made and are seeking to keep sacred covenants.  His motives are entirely self-centered, selfish, destructive, and evil."
She also talked about how satan hates women of the noble birthright.  "He hates us because of the influence we have on husbands and children, family and friends, the Church and even the world.  It is no secret to him that we are the Lord's secret weapon."

The Lord needs us women to stand as a witness of God at all times and in all things and in all places. "Regardless of your marital status, your age, or the language you speak, you are a beloved spirit daughter of Heavenly Father who is destined to play a critical part in the onward movement of the gospel kingdom."- Sheri Dew

So what is a women's role?  We hear it all the time that the man provides for the family and the woman nurtures the family.  Let me tell you about a talk by Jack R. Christianson called, Women of Light.  His talk is simply amazing.  I cannot say it better than him, so I will be quoting him lots.
He starts out by saying, "If all things bear record of Christ, is there any one thing in particular that would bear record of Him more than anything else?  And could that be a woman?  A woman.  Sisters, are you truly perhaps the ultimate symbol of the Son of God?  Do we understand that concept in our culture, in our society, and even in the Church?"  He goes on to say, "Now, think about it.  When God created the earth, He ended with what?  (Don't get depressed, brethren.)  He ended with his crowning jewel, which was glorious Mother Eve."

Jack then talks about Moses 6:58.  It says, "imasmuch as ye were born into the world by water, and blood, and the spirit, which I have made, and so became of dust a living soul..."  Jack talks about the three elements that are present when a child is born: water, blood, and spirit.  At some point, the spirit enters the body.  The verse continues to talk about how we are cleansed by the blood of mine Only Begotten.  "Now sisters, why are you a symbol of Christ?  As Jesus shed His blood, to give spiritual life and eternal life, what then is the role of those who have the opportunity to be mothers?  They shed their very life's blood to give physical, mortal life.  And so the birth process- how we all enter this world- is literally a symbol of being born again, a symbol of the Son of God shedding His blood."

Now this is just simply amazing.  I've never thought of it like that before.  Elder Matthew Cowley said, "You sisters belong to the great sorority of saviorhood.  You may not hold the priesthood.  Men are different, men have to have something given to them to make them saviors of men, but not mothers, not women.  You are born with an inherent right, an inherent authority, to be saviors of human souls.  You are the co-creaters with God of his children.  Therefore, it is expected of you by a right divine that you be the saviors and the regenerating force in the lives of God's children here upon the earth."  [again, don't get offended, brethren.  The women is not complete without the man.  You have divine callings too:)]

I have an inherent authority to be the savior of humans... that is incredible.  Women have been blessed with this sacred gift.  Satan will lie to me.  He will tell me that i'm not good enough.  He will try to do anything in his power to destroy families.  "He will do anything to degrade womanhood and get the daughters of God mixed up and confused about their role." You can't let satan in your mirror!  He will get in there and tell you that you are worthless, but you are not.  Women, you have a divine calling.   You are a daughter of God.  You are a symbol of Christ.

I Won't Give Up

This afternoon I went on a run with my brother.  As I got like five minutes into the run I remembered something... I don't really like to run. Then I started to question my abilities.  Why was I even running if I don't enjoy it?  Then this thought came into my head, "A successful man is one who learns to do things he doesn't want to do."  I decided to push myself.  Negative thoughts kept coming in.  "I can't do this." "I need to stop."  "I don't need to exercise."  "It's super hot out here." "My body is tired."  I kept thinking that my body was going to give up.  All I was doing was just breathing heavily and my legs were starting to feel a little weird, but I was fine.  There was no reason to give up.  I started making goals.  "I'm going to run to the next mile marker."  As we were almost done with our run, I saw the ending gate ahead.  That was the "finish line".  I kept thinking, "I can just stop and speed walk there- it's not that far."  Then another thought came into my mind, "What if this was a test to be able to get into the Celestial Kingdom?  What if I had to run all the way to the end or I couldn't get in the Kingdom?"  I had to keep running.  No way was I going to give up now if the Celestial Kingdom was right there.  I was going to run all the way there.  There is nothing more that I want than to get into the Celestial Kingdom.  I had to keep pushing.  When I ran through the gate I felt like I could do anything.  I had made it.  I accomplished my goal.  I can do anything.

I thought of a similar experience I had this last winter at BYU.  My roommate was my motivation to go running.  One night we decided to go on a run to the Provo Temple.  I had some similar negative thoughts come into my mind- thoughts that I wasn't good enough and that my body can just give up.  Then I thought about my end goal- the temple.  I saw temple peeking through the trees.  I was almost there.  I thought about how bad I wanted to get to the temple in my life.  I wanted it so bad.  The temple is my goal.  I want to go through the temple.  I want to get married in the temple.  If that was my goal, I couldn't just give up and walk.  I had to keep running.  I pushed myself all the way to the temple.  As I got the the beautiful glowing house of the Lord, it felt amazing.  I made it.

Now next time I go running I need to just think of a goal that I want to achieve in my life, and push for it.  I won't give up.  I may not like running all that much, but I am grateful for the gift of my body and I want to obey the Word of Wisdom and keep my body healthy.  So that's why I exercise.  I want to keep good care of my body.  I want to be healthy and happy.  I can be successful in my life.  I can learn to do the things that I don't want to do.  I won't give up.

Don't give up on your goals.  Keep pushing.  Satan will tell you that you aren't good enough, that you don't deserve this.  Don't listen.  Keep going.  You can make it.

Trust Him.

Don't stop.

Don't give up.  

You may be troubled.  

You may be suffering.  

You know what?  

Sometimes we all get worried and troubled and confused.  Life will work out the way its supposed to as long as you let Christ take your hand.  Trust Him.  His atonement is for you.  His atonement will help you.  You may feel weak, but you can be strong.  You may feel like you have no worth or purpose.  You may feel stuck in your life and not know what to do.  You may feel like you don't know what choices to make. 

Life is hard.

Satan never stops fighting.  

He wants you.  

He wants you to suffer.
He tries to confuse you.
He tells you that you aren't good enough.
Don't listen.
He lies.

Brigham Young said that those who want to obtain seats in the Celestial Kingdom will find that they must battle every day.  Just keep pushing on.  Just keep doing what is right.  Stay close to the spirit.  He will guide you.  He will direct you.  He will comfort you.

The power of His infinite atonement can heal any wound and comfort any soul.  He has felt more alone than you have ever before.  Christ will save you from any storm of the sea.  He has conquered satan.  He has walked on water.  He has calmed the sea.  You can depend on Him.  Stand in firm places.  Know who you are and where you came from.  Most importantly, know who you can become.
You are a child of God.
You are not here alone.
Christ is with you.
Trust in Him.
Have faith like the Brother of Jared.
Hold on to the rod.
God loves you.
He wants you to be happy.
Stop worrying about yourself.
Stop looking in the mirror and start looking out the window.
As you bless the lives of others, your life will be blessed.
To love another person is to see the face of God.
Seek guidance.
He always answers every prayer.
He's there.
He listens.
Receive life in His name.
Stand for the truth.
Be happy.
Trust that you are exactly where you need to be.  Only He knows your plan.  He knows what can bring you joy.  What may seem like happiness now may not bring you eternal happiness.  Follow the promptings of the Spirit, and He will lead the way.  Christ is the way.  

Israel, Israel, God is Calling

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland is amazing.  I had the opportunity to attend the CES fireside where he spoke last September.  It was a really neat experience.  The spirit was so strong and powerful.

I made this video with parts of his talk in it.  I hope you enjoy and I encourage you to go read the rest of his talk:)

Here's the link...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1A972-U7Poo

Easter

This is my testimony that He lives!  This Easter we should remember who's day it really is- it's the Lord's day.  I had the opportunity to attend BYU's Easter Conference last night where Bro. Brent L. Top, Bro. Brad Wilcox, and Elder John M. Madsen spoke.  I want to share some of their words and share to you what Easter really is all about.

Easter is truly amazing.  We get to celebrate the victory of al time: victory over death!  Christ's mercy is the essence of Easter.  The Lord is both merciful and just.  No matter what we do, good or bad, the Lord's arms are stretched forth still.  It is that outstretched hand that we call grace.  We receive his grace every hour of every day.
Remember that Jesus Christ came to lift us up, not bring us down.  We are here to grow-it is all about growth.  The ultimate goal is not only coming to Christ, but becoming like Him.  Bro. Wilcox said that turning to the Lord is NOT just another thing to do.  It's the ONLY thing to do.  Grace is not the prize of the worthy.  We need to turn to the Lord always as he is always blessing us.  Christ is not waiting at the finish line once we have done "all we can do".  He is with us every step of the way.  Grace is no more earned than Christ's love is deserved.
We need to be thankful not only for what Christ delivered us from, but what He saved us for.  We believe in life after death and life after salvation.  We need to be willing to be perfected.  Remember, grace will lift you up!

Elder Madsen said that the atonement isn't part of the gospel.  It is the gospel.  He also said that the Lord's day is not just Easter, but that every Sunday is the Lord's day.  Let us remember this.

I know that these things are true.  I know that Christ has risen.  I receive life in His name.  I also know that his grace is sufficient for all.  As we strive for perfection, Christ is the improver.  I know that we cannot achieve perfection without the atonement.  I am so grateful for Christ in my life.  He has blessed me in so many ways and has helped me achieve things that I could never do alone.  I know that I never am alone, because He is always there.  I bear you my testimony that He lives! In the name of my Savior Jesus Christ, amen.

ps. watch this-

My Mission

Missionary work has been a hot topic for the past 5 months.  So many of my friends are leaving to serve the Lord and I am so grateful for their examples of diligence and willingness to serve.  I got excited when the announcement was made for the lowering of missionary age.  I too wanted to serve.  All I want to do is share with people the happiness that I have.  I want to serve God with all my heart.

I never planned on serving a mission, and so I prayed and fasted, but still my answer was no.  I got confused because I felt so good about serving and I really wanted to, but my answer was still no.  Then I realized that I was supposed to serve.  I can still serve without a call, and that is what I am supposed to do.   My answer was no to going on a mission, but yes to serving a mission.

One of my friends told me, "You don't need to serve a mission to spread the gospel.  You just need to live the gospel to spread it, and you do that everyday."  Missionary work is the most important work.  I can do my part here where I am.  I can serve others around me.  I can start within the walls of my own home.  Being an example is so important.  You never know who is watching or who you can touch by just saying hi or sending a friendly text.  I can go to the temple and do family history work.  I challenge you to serve those around you, as I try to be better at serving as well.

"Missionaries teach the world, but Mothers teach the missionaries."  This is one of my favorite sayings. I love it.  I know that I need to prepare now to be a mother, and I'm so excited to teach my children the gospel so that they themselves can be missionaries one day.  I am grateful for my mother and father who have taught me the gospel and have been there for me through everything.  I am realizing more and more of things they have taught me as I am now living with people other than my family.  I am grateful for their examples.

I Believe in Christ

My favorite hymn...I Believe in Christ.  This version is one of my new favorites.  I love this song so much.
I believe in Christ.  I know that He knows everything I am going through right now.  He is my Savior, Redeemer, Friend, and Brother.  I know that I can do anything through Christ.  I know I am nothing, as to my strength I am weak, but in His strength I can do all things.  He atoned for every single one of my sins.  He knows my pains and my joys.  I love Him so much.  It is through Him that I receive my joy.  This is my simple testimony.   I believe in Christ, so come what may.

Continue On the Path

I have been thinking a lot about what I was taught in my Book of Mormon class last semester about the vision of the Tree of Life.  I never realized how cool it really is.
My professor, Brother Adams,  led me to see this in a totally different perspective.  I want to share some of the things he talked about.  First, he said to always assume that you're the bad guy.  We all are in the Great and Abominable Church.  We need to get out and cross the river to the path that leads to the Tree.  We all have made mistakes and we aren't perfect.  That is why we have to cross this river which can represent many different things.  It is the gulf of misery and endless wo, justice, and hell.  We have to go through hell to get to the tree.  We need to repent and get across, but the only way is with Christ and his atonement.  We can become baptized as we pass through the river.  In 1 Nephi 8:22 it says that they did commence in the path which led to the tree.  They were baptized, they got a fresh start, and began again.  Once we make it to the tree and partake of the fruit, we are only tasting a little bit of eternal life.  This whole process is the process of true conversion.  I think that once we get to the tree, that is not the end, but it is perhaps just the beginning of the process.  We just had a taste of what it is like, and now the true test is to see if we can stay on that path in which we have the rod of iron to help hold us up.
Brother Adams said that an example of this process is the life of a missionary.  Missionaries go out and live in such a way where they are being truly converted.  They study, teach, testify, and serve.  They have gotten a little taste of the fruit.  They know what it is like, but as in the vision, some who taste of the fruit fall away.  Once you've tasted of the fruit, learn and grow from it!  The mission teaches missionaries how to live, but what do they do after their missions?  The Tree is not the end of the path.  Once we've tasted, keep continuing on the path.
After learning about this in my class, I was able to see this all throughout the scriptures.  I encourage you to look for this while studying.  It is all over in the scriptures.  An example is Ammon.  In Alma 26:18, Ammon went about with many threatenings to destroy the church.  He was in the Great and Abominable Church.  Then in verse 20, he crossed the river. "...in his great mercy hath brought us over that everlasting gulf of death and misery..."  He used Christ's atonement to cross the river.  an in verse 22 he repented and exercised faith, brought forth good works, and prayed without ceasing.  He started on the path and partook of the fruit and is becoming truly converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ.
 

I know that we all need to use Christ's atonement for ourselves and partake of the fruit.  We need to keep going and never fall astray from the path.  This knowledge has blessed my life, and I hope you can allow it to bless you too.

Pay It Forward

This Christmas season, it is my goal to try and "Pay it Forward".

Let me explain.

In the movie, "Pay It Forward", a seventh grade class was given an assignment which required them to think of something that could change the world, and put that into action.  A little boy, Trevor tried his best to complete this assignment.  He came up with a movement, Pay it Forward.  It started with him.  He had to do something nice for 3 other people.  It had to be something huge- something that that person couldn't do for themselves.  Then the process goes on.  Those three people pay it forward to three more people, and so on.  From doing things like giving a hobo a place to live and some money, to giving a total stranger your car after theirs was crashed, Trevor's movement started in Las Vegas, Nevada and made it all the way to Los Angeles, California.  This truly can change the world.

Now it is my turn to act.  This Christmas I would encourage you all to try and find people throughout the day to help.  It doesn't have to be something big, like giving them your car, but maybe, you could make an impact in their lives.  That is what Christmas is all about.  Christ payed it forward for all of us. He did something that we cannot do on our own.  He atoned for our sins, and without Him, we can't make it back to our Heavenly Father.  So now it is our turn to pay Him back by paying it forward.

Then Sings My Soul

Music.  

It's so wonderful.

After playing the piano for over 10 years, being in school choirs for 6 years, and being ward organist for 2 years, I guess you could say that music is a part of me.
I miss it sooo much!  I miss being in a choir.  Chamber Choir last year was such an amazing experience.

Sooo.....I wanted to continue singing in a choir.  I can't live without it.  After hearing my ward choir perform in church for the first time, I was a little upset.  It's not that they were bad, but it was just not everything I was hoping for.  I mean the last choir I sang in was Chamber, so I can't really compare that to a ward choir.  But I decided that it didn't matter what the choir sounded like, I just needed to be in a choir.
I went to the choir practices and did my best to be involved in the music.  I decided that even if we can't blend well and do all the things that I have been trained to do in choirs over the years, I thought that it would be good to just sing.
Then, this last Sunday, we sang "If You Could Hie to Kolob"  in sacrament meeting.  Right when we started singing, I felt like the heavens opened and I could feel my Heavenly Fathers presence.  It was like He came down to listen to us sing praises to Him.  I do believe that he hears us singing to Him.  And he loves it no matter what it sounds like. That performance, whether good or bad, was a testimony builder for me.  I sang my heart out.

I realized what makes singing in a choir so great- that one moment when we all come together and create music.  That is why I love choir.  When people come together to sing- now that -that is power.  It creates something that can't be created any other way.  Even the great Albus Dumbledore said, "Ah music! A magic far beyond all we do here!"

I just love music.  

There's nothing else to say. 

Ah! It's just wonderful. :)

Here's one of my favorite piano versions of "Come Thou Fount"

Book Of Mormon

Out of all my classes at BYU this first semester, my hardest class is indeed, Book of Mormon.  I didn't expect this class to be my hardest. I am in an English 311 class with just juniors and seniors, but that class is not even hard.  I thought it would be my hardest. I have always heard that the religion classes are hard at BYU, but I didn't quite know how hard.  When I registered, I found a small sized class that seemed to suit me.  My first day of class my teacher lectured us on how we are graded based on knowledge and doctrine, not on our testimonies; it is not seminary.

That is what I expected, but after the first couple days in class, I was lost.  We went over some basic doctrinal things and our class discussions got more and more intense.  We needed to make connections within the Book of Mormon, and connect stories, and know all these facts.  I know the scriptures.  I have read them numerous times before, but I started to feel like I didn't know them at all.  My class was intimidating.  Everyone there was making all of these great comments and they knew all these connections and knew all these things my teacher was asking.  I was lost.  As another girl in my class told me, "I don't even feel like I'm a Mormon.  I don't know anything." 

 I didn't know there was so much you could study about in the scriptures.  I thought that if you just read it and understood what you were saying and believe it's words, then it will help you throughout your life, and you will be blessed.   

Well... we started having assigned readings and had to find precepts and connect different verses to each other and learn from it.  We had to ask why all of these were in the Book of Mormon, why did this specific person write this in there at that time.  We had to know all these events in chronological order and know the order of people and etchers and all these things.  I even had to have an oral test with my teacher one on one about King Benjamin's Speech.  Every thing kept piling on each other and I felt that in order to get it all I had to memorize like all the scriptures, and that still wouldn't be enough. I was just happy I passed my midterm.  

Anyways, I don't want to complain.  I am actually glad that I am in this class.  The Lord knows that this is the class I need to be in.  Despite all of the low scores and frustrations, I have learned sooo much about the Book of Mormon.  I feel that I can make connections between verses and stories now.  I understand.  Even if I don't get the best grade, I know that I am trying, and my testimony has strengthened immensely on the Book of Mormon.  I am grateful that the Lord placed me in this hard class so I can learn.  I started to ask my Heavenly Father in prayer to help me understand the Book of Mormon better and that I can accomplish all the things for that class.  I started to look at the class differently.  I started asking myself how this will help my life.  I now look forward to going to class and seeing all the wonderful things I can learn, even though I know it will be hard.  I am grateful that I am learning these things about the Book of Mormon.

I know that the Book of Mormon is true with all of my heart.  I know that if I abide to it's precepts, then I can learn so much.  I know that all these people in the scriptures are true and that they went through these things not only to help them learn and grow, but to help us learn and grow.  I know that if I study the scriptures, they will help my life more than what I could think.  I didn't think I would learn this much about the scriptures.  I have learned more in these few months about the Book of Mormon than all of my 4 years of seminary put together.  I am grateful that I have this wonderful opportunity to go to BYU and be surrounded by the church.